*___ShE's LiViN' iN hEr OwN wOrLd_

Thursday, April 21, 2005

To You:

It was until recently when i had an extremely difficult conversation with a friend, that i realized how hard it must have been for you to deal with me then. it was amazing how much similarities i discovered through this conversation. it's like suddenly he's me, and i'm you. and i'm feeling exactly how you felt then.

How difficult it must be. to constantly feel that you've been misunderstood. whatever i said, he misconstrued in the most negative way. whatever i explained, he thinks they're excuses, he didn't believe in a single shit until i kept trying to explain & kept trying & kept trying until i can finally pacify him and give him a satisfied answer. i might even have to hide the truth or lie a bit to get the desired response. when everything seems fine now, something i said will spark an anger within him again and the whole thing starts from doh.

How difficult it must be. to have to be on high alert at all times and be terribly conscious of what you say to me, in fear of saying the wrong things again. like treading on dark waters. in fear that i will lash out at you again. this was exactly how i felt when talking to him. at times i'd rather just keep quiet.

How difficult it must have been for you to listen to me being so long-winded at times. i must have been just like him, sprouting out loads & loads in an attempt to explain my own stand. it must have taken up great extents of your patience. just like how it took mine when i was talking to him, yet still trying very hard to be understanding.

I admit that it had been one of my worst conversations with anybody ever. and imagine you had been taking up all these for months. it had only been a few hours for me. and i really realized... how difficult i must have made you feel all these times. it must have been awful to put up with me during that period of time. and it's only you. yet you still try.

I might get to tell you all these, possibly after 2 years, when we get to meet. or i may never see you again. perhaps it doesn't matter. because even at this moment when i realize how doggone selfish i've been behaving, i might still behave the same way even if you appear before me right now.

But what he said was true as well, in a way. he said i think everything is about me. i speak in whichever way i like. i didn't care about how others felt. call that straight-forwardness. it could actually be self-centeredness. i dunno. when i feel depressed i don't really care about how others feel, i feel selfish & disgusting but i don't care a thing cos i just wanna feel better myself. catch me on a bad patch and that's how it is. and it's when you are very very low that you discover who your true friends are. :)

Thus i could never understand why you had always wanted me to rely on myself, to stand up on my own. i could never imagine what i'm living for without my friends. i dunno why i still cherished a hope that you are one of them. cos i'll merely continue to make your life difficult and it's definitely not worth it.

This is a chim article which i'm the only reader who would understand haha... boohoo my prada blog is spoilt. i'm depressed.

dara lost in [[fairytale]]-land
9:38 PM